recovered from my fever, recovering from my sore throat, though its not so well yet though.. one moment its fine then one moment it hurts alot like even drinking water is terrible.. and when it comes to eating. so awesomely pain.. trying not to take the medicine for the pain cos my mum told me not to.. so, while i can, i have to bear with the pain each time i swallow saliva..

well, i really need to fa xie somewhere, so i'll just use my blog.. i dont know why but i want to rant out all my unhappiness be it happening now or in the past.. not much people will read but if u are reading and get sick and tired of this long long post, just press the red x at the top right hand corner of the screen bah..

since i got back my results, it has been the same thing i'm troubled over and over and over again. currently my choices into uni are:
ntu: chem and biochem, bio sciences, psychology.
nus: medicine, science, pharm, fass.

so, what i am troubled over is my nus first choice. yup, that's medicine. it kinda sucks to be a person who is so easily influenced by what other people say. my initial determination was just into teaching. then people start saying, wah you should take medicine. medicine. it has never crossed my mind to be a doctor before. i've heard of many people aspiring to be doctors, working hard to be doctors. and me? i just want to be a normal person, take up teaching, live my childhood 'ambition' of being a teacher. and this so called 'ambition' isnt really my ambition. when we were kids, we will have this small little thingy about wanting to be a something in future. mine was being a teacher so after saying it for so so so long and when so so so many people know of it, u will like alright, this is what ppl will expect alr, so i'll just stick to it. so long as i manage to achieve it, no one will say anything abt it. so with this small dream i have i work hard, determined to disappoint others and at the same time, trying hard to do well for my parents, to let them be happy. i dont want to let them down. my o level results were average.. but it was the same as my cousin and for her matter it was great happiness to her parents which called for a big celebration and lots of congrats. ( i dont know if any of my cousins will read this. i think not but if u all do, no offence. and sorry.) u know the feeling i got? i am happy for my cousin, but i feel so lousy inside. i dont know how to describe the feelings i have. its really really messed up, i feel really really lousy inside. my results to my parents were: 'didnt expect much' not say like not bad or okay. so i kinda feel weird?

so i know, my parents want me to do well. my brothers aren't doing that well, so more hopes are like pinned on me. my parents want to be happy for all 3 of our results. they want us to do well. its for our sake to make them not worried. well, 'studying well is for our future'. after appealing into nyjc successfully and getting out of ijc which i was posted to, i was determined to work hard. but then, cca commitments(appeal case so i have no choice), project work(grp leader shuo de suan) and tkd lessons were leaving me with 5hrs sleep everyday with homework still unfinished and tests not studied for.. there were even nights i had to go without sleep due to project work. i had no choice. i have cca till 8pm. by the time i reach home is almost 9.. bathe, eat, start on some homework while waiting for other group members to send me their work to collate (i have no choice but to collate since i'm the last one to reach home while they all can start and finish their work alr). by the time the last person send me the work is alr 12 plus to one. so i start collate, shocked by how the quality of work is and in the end, i have to redo that person's work. so by the time i finish, 5, 6am alr. what can i do? catch some shut eye then prepare to go sch again. all these were thankfully over already. j2 was much better without project work and chinese, but there was still CO concert to prepare for. j1 syf we got gold with honours so we planned a concert. practicing for concert was as tough as for syf. so in these two years, CO was stressful. sch work and CO.. often we have to carry out notes and homework around, taking opportunity to study as much as we can to catch up with homework. after concert ended, it was studies all the way. mid year exams, lecture tests, class tests, prelims, tests, tests, tests. endless tests. all so horrible. plus failing math, gp, barely passing biology. it all sucked and was a huge discouragement for me. i really felt like i was gonna just let go everything. but i had no choice. i only could bear with all these and try to push on. working hard was just difficult. and everyday i would just throw aside things and use com for the whole night.. till when revisions and homework start pouring in, i had no choice but to finish my work then use com.. sleeping at 1-2am, waking up at 6am just became a part of my daily routine.

well, i have no idea why i drifted off so much into my jc life, but yea. jc life was like shit. not to mention friendship issues. in 2 years i changed clique twice. and the reasons were sucky. first clique was a group of five. 3 guys, 2 girls. then a gay classmate(really gay) followed my female friend everywhere. my female friend followed me, and i am of course with the guys (clique eh). so the guys not happy cos of the gay, i dont feel happy seeing them not happy, so i just thought, maybe i should just leave the guys alone alr. after that i joined another clique, my female friend joined another. the gay guy just tagged along with that girl. so my new clique was a clique of 4 girls. we got along pretty well till at some point two of them got really really close together.. then it made people think and honestly me and the other girl in the clique think, did they like become les? i know the answer is no they are not. just like close sisters.. but because too many people asked and say le, so you know, rebecca who gets influenced easily, will just ponder a little about it.. then cos the two of them got so close together, me and the other girl will feel left out. and then the girl will like sometimes walk of on her own or else she join another clique and talk to them. then i will be like stuck in between cos i duno where to go.. one side is the two of them in their own world, the other side is the other girl talking about things i cant relate with other people. so what can i do but to just stand in the middle and keep quiet and do nothing? scardy cat rebecca dont dare to voice out. she is just too too stupid.. after that when things really get too much for me, i just quietly walk behind them, just quietly do my stuff, just get angry quiet, like throwing a tantrum by myself, making them think i siao kia, or pms which actually i'm not. i'm just angry, with them for treating my like i dont exist, with myself for not trying to do anything but just going home and crying alone in the room, without anyone knowing. then after a long long period, my other kind classmates who all noticed, pitied me. they all say: rebecca very ke lian eh. or they say to me: i think u very poor thing. and so i was saved by another clique of girls. 4 girls. and they are close to a clique of guys. so in the end i have a big big clique. but i'm just the quiet antisocial one in the clique cos i dont know them well while they knew each other for the past year alr and i dont know what to talk about and stuff. i'm the kind where u need to talk to me or i'll just keep quiet cos i really dont know what to say. i'm bad with words. but once i get closer to people, naturally i'll become super active. just look at how luomin and i talk with each other. totally different from how i am with my other friends. totally. but at least, i'm happier in this current clique.

if u are still reading, hats off to you.. there's still more though.. i cant seem to understand myself. i will be happy only if i see other people smiling and happy.. even if i'm in a good mood today, if i see one of my friends unhappy, my mood will drop. i dont know why.. so take for exmaple a level results. i should be happy. but when i see my friends being not so happy, i just cant get happy. even days and weeks after my results. i havent felt truly happy for my results. feeling happy just a little when i saw that my mum was happy, my dad was happy. i felt happy for making them happy. my mum especially, was really really happy. i just had to smile and laugh along with her though inside, i didnt feel happy. i need to see that my friends are also happy then i can be happy. you fu tong xiang , you nan tong dang? and that time i still couldnt believe my results which caused alot of ppl to -.- or wtf at me.. but this is just weird rebecca..

on the same topic, i know u dont like us. i know u look down on us. i know actually all of you didnt expect me to get such results. to u all its like a shock. yes i know because its a huge shock to me. but the different treatment given is just too too big.. i have feelings too. and such feelings hit me hardest.. i dont like making people unhappy. and i know deep inside u may feel a little unhappy that i can actually score this kind of results cos all along u all expect little from here. u most probably expect me to get similar results like my bros or slightly better, but not like that. seeing the way u all do it makes me feel hurt. do you understand this. while u can dislike us and backstab us all u want to. please, spare a thought while u are facing us. this results served as a hah! i zheng hui le yi kou qi from u.. but it wasnt intentional, it wasnt what i expected. but u dont have to act like that.

and worst of all, at the end of the day, i'm all tired and stuff and vexed over the tuition work i have not marked, my mum spammed me with questions like what did XXX tell u? what did YYY tell u? what did ZZZ ask you? all the things. then my bro said: 'if u go for med interview cannot half hearted leh. if not u wont get it.' i'm still considering. i said alr. considering. considering. stop pressuring me. i dont know what is right for me know. what do u want me to do? what do i want to do? i dont know anymore. i really dont know anymore so stop stop and stop asking me things. stop telling me what to do. stop it. i beg u all to stop can? i dont want to have to act all smiley in front of all of u but behind the door, alone in my room, i'm crying of the pressure i have. plus i'm fed p with my teacher too. he agreed to write me the appraisal for scholarship and the due date is monday and i havent gotten anymore words from him. i am vexed over all these stupid uni things so so so so much. i hate it so so so so much. does what i want and what i choose matter anymore? my initial choices of going to ntu is going to change to nus by request of my mum. my choice of staying in hostel is changed to not staying by order by my mum. my choice of course is now changed by everyone around me. what actually matters now? my choice? or what?

u know what? i'd rather not recover from my illness, continue to be sick to the extent where i cant do anything, think anything. just like on monday when i returned home from work, feeling unwell, just going to bed unable to think or do anything. just taking a long deep sleep. and this is all impossible, because, even after medication, if i try to sleep, whats on my mind is uni appl stuff and i cant fall asleep. and u know what? i feel like drinking now, but i cant cos of medication. stupid.

and, after hearing michelle talking about her troubles she have, it made me thought about my own that is of the same subject. liking someone is really tiring and difficult. one moment when u think of just giving up, suddenly, he talks to you and u cant give up. after awhile, he stops talking. u feel like giving up again. but u just cant seem to do it. after all u see him everyday in school. after that one moment he talks to you alot alot everyday, ur hopes get up high.. but after awhile, he stops again.. in the end, i'll just feel totally miserable, not sure abt his feelings. then when ur friends asks him about his feelings in a less obvious way, and from there u find out, u feel totally totally down. lost. upset. miserable. what to do? hide in a corner and cry lo. what's the point getting hopes up high? whats the point of thinking of him everyday wondering if he likes you or not? i dont know. but this is human nature. just human nature. all i can say now is, after so long, luckily, i dont think of him anymore. i dont dream of him anymore.. maybe, i just wasnt that into him or just that i see him online too much alr. so when he's gone in ns, slowly, everything just went to ns with him.

still, i wish for a shoulder to lean on. everyone wishes for one. just a matter of when they actually find the other half they need. perhaps i should just slowly wait.

i feel like having a nice meal for these reasons: self comfort, emo, cheer myself up with food, 'celebrate' my results(yes, it've been 2weeks. i havent celebrated for myself/ treat myself yet), for the sake of having some good food. so anyone want have a meal? i'm guessing no, so.. yea, i'll just see when i'll have the mood to get a nice meal alone myself and where to eat at too.

this post is terribly long, and i have typed for terribly long too. if u actually read to the end, i can say u are a patient reader. if i actually know u as a friend, thank you friend for willingly reading this long post of my rants. or if u are just reading cos u enjoy reading sad stuff, then sadist, hope u have enjoyed reading it.

so.. ciaos.