the fact is, whenever i thought, i finally can move a step out, u try to pull me backwards, throwing me back into that horrible mess, trying to make me feel as guilty and bad as possible. u say i'm cruel. but in fact, u are the cruel one.
11:16 PM ; smile?
HUGE YAWN.
well, ytd (monday), i was supposed to wake up at 9am to review my lab report before submitting online, then dress my wound, head to carlene's house then to work. in the end, i woke up at 10am, hurriedly looked through my report, had a huge hoo-hah over the deg of freedom, submitted the e copy, hurriedly and anyhowly bandaged my wound, changed my clothes, walked or rather bai ka-ed to carlene's house to had her my hard copy of the report. she just showered finish, so her bro came down and got from me instead. lol. then, i bai ka-ed to mrt stn, went to amk, then started work. work was pretty sian, pretty the usual where i'll tio kan by customers, tio pissed by collegues, tio stress cos of stupid mistakes i make. seriously, i dont know whats wrong with me today. the biggest mistake. i nets a person card $186.91 when it was supposed to be 18.69. i wonder how that happened. biggest shock of the day. rarr. all because i injured la. then they ask me stand there do cashier. in the end do stupid mistake. =( why do i keep doing stupid things when i say that my 'last day' is coming? in my previous 'last day', i toppled ice cream onto a little girl's face and dropped bento box on customer's leg.. super -.- as they say, its my legacy at amk mof. well, i have too many legacy alr. i almost toppled ice lemon tea on my own dad! imagine that luh. see how klutzy i am?
alright, away from work. just finished the webcast of cm1111, the lecture i skipped today cos i was lazy to go to school but i went to work instead. yes, i'm crazy. preparation for webcast: made a hot drink (its cold alr =( ), took a piece of bread, clear my table such that i have sufficient place for my laptop, notes (and head), have a nice sitting position, so that my knee wont hurt, press play. during the recap part, i eat. anything need to take down write down. anything not clear can rewind and hear again. sleepy? hug bolster/pillow. fall asleep, damn shuang. hahaha! compare this to being in the LT, with so many ppl, with a hard chair and small table, with the screen so far i can barely see esp for the small teensy weeny words(i'm severely shortsighted). well, i used to not like recorded lectures, cos jc one not very good quality and its better paying attention in the lecture itself. for uni, i cant pay attention at all, and in the end i will just zzz all the way. well, too bad cm1111 lectures are not at the start or end of my timetable but rather sandwiched between lessons, so since i'm alr in school, just attend the lecture lo.. if its first or last lesson, high chance is i will pon here and there, but not pon all la. lol.
tmr is a public holiday! yay! no school! boo! i'm working! but yay! my official and real and really really really real LAST DAY! oh my gosh. this day has dragged from april, to may, to june, to july and not, to august. siao right? i know. thats why, even though i'm comfortable with the place, i kinda like hanging around there, but i gotta go. too tiring, affecting studies plus some other reason, so yeah. time to sat goooood byeeeee! time to time, if i got the cash and the time, i'll drop by to makan. well, that will be quite soon, cos sept is coming, means i can get my free birthday dessert cos i have the mof membership card! muahaha. =) dessert~~ well first, i gotta get back to studying, catch up on stuff, before i reward myself. i have maximum one month to do that. i believe i can do it. =)
well, it seems, i'm getting my normal self back, though at times, i find myself staring blankly into space, thinking things i shldnt think of, getting back to that emo side. well, at least there's improvement! rebecca, its time to move on. perhaps this painful fall was to wake me up. however painful it is, once you get used to it, it will be fine. you will be fine. i will be fine.
2:33 AM ; smile?
Thursday, August 25, 2011
you know the feeling? when u typed something out and feel like posting it but in the end, you decided to hit the backspace button instead? also, when u hesitate so much to reply to a favour asked from you, but you answered yes, though you really wanted to say no? also, when u decided on something, yet ur heart feels uncomfortable? the feeling when u're just so tired but you cant sleep? the feeling when u're so hungry but food doesnt seem to appeal to you? the feeling when u just want to give up on everything and anything but you cant? the feeling when u wanna show all ur emotions, want to cry, want to scream, wanna shout, wanna hit something to vent, but you cant? and the feeling, after a shag day in sch, u open the door to ur house and find an empty, dark house, with cold dinner on the table? how about the feeling when u dont even understand urself?
7:50 PM ; smile?
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
let's see.
1. unable to fall asleep at night unless its really late
2. unable to wake up for sch (gotta force myself to get out of bed)
3. no appetite to eat proper meals
4. no appetite to eat chocolates at times
5. sudden blank staring
6. dozing off in lectures
7. unable to concentrate
8. gets injured and doesnt feel the pain until very long later
9. keeps getting into 'accidents' (eg, tripping on stairs, breaking lab apparatus and getting cut, burn joss stick, lighted end flew off and burn my hair. thank got burnt a little)
10. bad headaches
11. puffy eyes
12. very bad chest pains
13. crying suddenly
14. and when things finally seemed better, it starts all over again.
if i can, i will stop all of that. i want to go back to a normal life. i want to go through a happy uni life. but, the mental stress, the pain, the frustrations, they wont go. they just wont. if, if i could do the easy way out, i will do it. i will. leave this world once and fall all. but i cant. so, i'll just endure, till one day, i die a natural death.
9:58 PM ; smile?
Sunday, August 21, 2011
i'm leaving mof. mind's made up. tmr will be the last day. i can no longer stay there anymore. its for the better. to let things pass, to let things end. and to let me focus on my studies. goodbye.
1:08 AM ; smile?
Saturday, August 20, 2011
i'm feeling very unwell. physically, mentally, emotionally. i want to recover from everything. but i cant seem to.
12:51 AM ; smile?
Thursday, August 18, 2011
tmr lessons start late. this means, its time for my alcohol.
12:08 AM ; smile?
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
we all have feelings. we all take different approaches towards whatever that happens. what truly pains me is that- all these while, you have never ever believed me. you have always been doubting me. you say things as though i'm the cold hearted freak who don't feel anything. if thats the case, what's with all these sleepless nights, loss of appetite, severe headaches, and these tears which never ever seem to stop flowing. i dont know why. but its really painful. i've never felt so miserable before. i dont feel like doing anything. yet, i still have to go on with life as if everything's okay. this false front led to you misunderstanding, led to you accusing me of something i didnt do. you know, how much this pains me?
if this is your true decision, i'll leave. forever.
11:37 PM ; smile?
Friday, August 12, 2011
well, well, well. lessons have officially started. so so so so 'nice'.
Thurs: 12pm cm1111 lecture. intro, intro blah blah, blah blah. end. dozing off...... 4pm gek1421 lecture. intro, intro, history to present, blah blah blah.. dozed off. 6pm cm1191 lecture. totally didnt understand what lecturer was saying. complete shut off of my brain plus cant sleep cos the lab staff ppl were sitting behind. omg. 8pm. all ended. mehhh.
Fri: 9am. tutoria; 'snatching'. breakfast. 10am ma1421 lecture. sleepy, but forced myself awake cos i'm week in calculus.. must pay attention. plus, lecturer not bad. and i had coffee. so keeping awake was okay. 12pm went to uhc to do some allergy test. wahaha. dustmite allergy. itchy. eww. okay. then lunch, see amanda eat lunch, go get her lab coat and specs. parted, went to library to find my chem friends. then, cm1131 lecture at 4pm. dozed off. kena poked awake. struggled to keep awake. 7min break, slept through. lol. then lecture continued, blur like blur. yeah. thats all for the 2 days.
very very very very very =( still not used to studying. the bad thing is that the school is so so so big. the breaks are so so so so long. the lessons end so so so so late. my timetable is so so so so so not nice. only wed is nice cos i only have lessons from 9-12pm. the rest of the days? i end at 6pm! so i'll reach home at 7-8pm everyday except wed. wonder how my cca would be. havent cfmed which cca i'm joining yet too. mega huge SIGH. D= school fooood. not very nice. nicer ones are so so so expensive. RAWR. gonna start bringing my own bread to school everyday. diet also. HAHA. fail sia my diet plans. complete fail. i dont care alr la. can lose jiu lose. cant lose jiu maintain lo. cannot become fatter.
things are really not good.. i dont even know how to go about saying. jealousy, selfishness, jumpy. u say things that dont tally. u say things that make me feel like u are blaming me but then u say u are not blaming me. so those words that come out of ur mouth, what do they mean? if u didnt intend to blame anything on me, those words wouldnt come out of ur mouth so naturally.. yes, i've changed alot. different from how i was. thats because i am unable to act like how i used to be after all that had happened. i'm like u too. i have feelings. u are not the only one feeling horrible. why am i typing all these? u wont read this and neither do u understand this. whatever.
10:14 PM ; smile?
Saturday, August 06, 2011
C-NERGY! haha. yeah. camp's over. made new friends. learnt more things. took mind off things for awhile. yeah, at least i was able to smile and laugh. better than staying home everyday with the =( face? yeah.
so my group's name is ELEMENTZ(take not of the Z! lol) yeah. and my OGL is yee ching, AOGL is ikhsan and senior there's terence (aka xiao ding dang). yeah. so these 3 seniors were leading us, making things fun and hyper. and there's other seniors and com members of CSS making things high and funny.. and of course my fellow OG mates.. lots of names, so i shall not name all. fun. but the food. just say, the food are things i cant eat. and at the same time, my appetite was horrible. so.. ya. basically i couldnt eat. until the last day when things slowly got better. just the sleeping part still have huge problem. my eyes are barely opening alr. but i still cant really fall asleep. so next week, school's starting and i'm going to school to study, have fun and really really plan things well for my future. thought up of what it'll be like alr. what's left is to make sure it goes alright? i need to stay in school in order for that. so, yeah i need a room in hall. yes, it'll be busy. but this is what i want. i want a fufiling, busy, fun uni life. and to get busy such that i can get things off my mind la.
yeah. my life now. is not what it should be. its time to grow up. its time to move on. i need a new life.
12:46 AM ; smile?
Tuesday, August 02, 2011
the most cliche thing that can happen is when u're walking home trying to stop ur tears from flowing, trying to change the expression on ur face before u reach home. and then, u suddenly feel a pain in ur stomach, realised u need the toilet urgently, running all the way back home. and guess what, the diarrhea solved the problem u had while walking home.
3rd night sobbing. its painful. for me, for him. this night would be the most painful one. knowing how he feels, my heart hurts so much.
10:44 PM ; smile?
Monday, August 01, 2011
been awhile since i had a drink. perhaps having one now would help better clear my mind.. help me get some sleep.
11:05 PM ; smile?
even though i'm tired, i cant fall asleep. even though my stomach's empty. just one bite can fill my stomach.
