force a smile?

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

rebecca, please, dont start crying again. dont be a stupid crybaby..

but, when u fail to achieve something someone expects out of u, especially ur own mum, wont u feel sad?

gahhh.

1:35 AM ; smile?

Monday, May 30, 2011

flu flu flu~

hope it recovers by tmr.. 2 more days of work! then its off to china! flying off on 2june, back on 14june 0030! hope the trip will be fun..

anyone wants anything from china? haha =)

i think i just dug my own grave

oh wells, my sneezing fit is starting again. time for bed!

12:49 AM ; smile?

Saturday, May 28, 2011

我哭累了，但眼泪就一直不停地流。

或许用工作来麻痹自己会比较好。会吗？

我到底怎么了？

有没有一个肩膀借我靠一下？就一下下？拜托。。

2:16 AM ; smile?

Friday, May 27, 2011

the tears wont stop flowing, even in my dreams.

1:51 PM ; smile?

if crying helps, why do i still feel so sad inside?

mum, why cant u understand what i want? why must u always listen to what people say and from there decide what i can and cannot do? why? cant u trust me at least for once?

1:00 AM ; smile?

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

as each day passes, as each memory we have starts to fade, as each of us move on with our life. how many of us are happy?

i've said that i dont want to think or care about it anymore. but, it is still me life isnt it? how can one not think abt their own life? is it even my life i'm living? who is this person named ng li min rebecca? she's like a stranger to me. i dont know her. i dont understand her. i dont know for whom she's living for. i dont know anything anymore. and, there is nothing i can do about it. for in her life, its always what others want or dont want. not what she wants and dont want.

perhaps i'll always be the one first forgotten, first neglected, first left out. for i'm the most insignificant part of anyone's life. if i just disappeared, with my five fingers in one hand, i think its more than enough to count the number of people who would go out and find me.

i'm tired. no matter how much sleep i get, no matter how much rest i get, i'm still tired. i'm really tired.

9:51 PM ; smile?

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

reason for staying up late: time alone to think over things.

there's never peace around except at night when everyone's asleep.

or perhaps i should just stop thinking already.

1:52 AM ; smile?

Monday, May 23, 2011

我很累。很想什么东西都丢一边，都不要去管，不要去做。但我心里一直一直逼我做下去，
不让我休息, 我到底想要的是什么？我不知道。头脑和心里的答案都不一样。我该听哪个？

Follow my heart or mind? I'm such a fool.

10:55 PM ; smile?

Sunday, May 22, 2011

rawr! today was quite a bad bad day.

woke up at 0953am. SHOCKED. jumped out of bed, brush teeth, changed, throw things into bag, rushed out, then mum offered to drive me to work. (Y) so, reached hub at 1020am. went to CJ bought bread and coffee. then then? spill coffee on my leg. hot siaa! heng spill abit nia. zzzz. then stat work first, open open, clean clean. breakfast: 1250pm. nice right? lunch: 3pm dinner: 9plus pm? not sure the time..

work is getting, how to say.. sibei sibei tulan and sian ah! seriously, sometimes dunno want gou gou is thinking. like, one shot give 3 ppl break. leave one newcomer and kh out there. like whut? halfway need serve, halfway need attend to customer. plus on top i was alr mad at someone who keep looking at other ppl's child and never see that the table in front got to clear. okay, she may miss her kids, so i close one eye. then after one more thing happen make me more pissed.. i went to serve a table, then went on to clear a table. clearing halfway got 'ding' i looked up see she walking towards the counter so i continue clearing. then wah seh. clear finish walk back. knn, someone taking cloth to wipe dry the dishes while talking and talking and talking, and then behind got one chicken laksa never go and serve. cb. quite pek chek for the rest of the day. somemore! i serving, i see got drink, i say got drink there. serve finish, come back, drink still there. i have to serve. and what she said to me was: sorry, richmond talking to me. WAH LAU.

besides getting mad at colleagues, there was one weird customer. first, she asked, got tomato sauce? i say our tomato sauce not the normal kind, she say okay just give her. suddenly say got chili or anything, i say only tobasco or chili flakes. she say, yes yes i want TOMATO sauce. so i like huh.. uhh.. okay. go check with kitchen. then i asking on khee. then she come up to me: hello, can u give me my tomato sauce? i need some sauce for my pasta. sour sour one to go with my pasta. i say sory: sorry, cos we need to heat the sauce up, pls hold on. after that she call me again and asked for her TOMATO sauce. she say the last time she came she had one small bottle of it with her sandwich. DIU AH! TOBASCO SAUCE LA.. keep saying tomato tomato. then wait awhile like her pasta will rot off then cannot eat liddat. come on, request for something, pls have a common sense that u have to wait at least awhile so that we can get it for u. not i want TOMATO sauce and auto we give u the TOBASCO sauce that u want. WHUT.

tchh. 8more days. just 8 more freaking days. my schedule next week damn nice. nice until like shit.

mon: 1300-2230
tue: 1030-1800
wed: 1300-2230
thurs: 1030-2230
fri,sat: off
sun: 1200-2230

total hrs: 44 ( it says 45 on the schedule cos monday i work 9.5hrs = no break? definitely not.)

rawr. may may may pls faster end.

11:53 PM ; smile?

things always seem so out of place, things always seem the gloomiest whenever u have ur hopes up high. in the end, everything comes crashing down on u. i, rebecca ng li min, give up. no point thinking over it, no point feeling sad over it. no point fretting about whether i have a choice or not. for the only choice i have is set. no changes allowed. so thats it.

12:37 AM ; smile?

Saturday, May 21, 2011

if only.. if only. whats the use of these words. by the time these words are used, its already too late.

mum, if only u understand how i feel, and what i want to do for my uni studies. do u have any idea how much stressed u have placed on me?

12:22 AM ; smile?

Thursday, May 19, 2011

screw m1. haha. the stupid shop at amk hub lied to me. say they upgrading stuff thats why lines cut off. in the end leh? news showed that they had technical difficulties. and they informed customerd through where? FACEBOOK. yea, like i will go like m1 page and know that their service crashed. and even if i liked the m1 page, i'm working! i cant go to fb, slowly read all the news feed and see m1 notice there right? how about ppl who dont have facebook? whut. scared me ytd lo. i cant contact anyone, still have to cfm with mum whether i going home for the night or not. ... heng they restored my line at 9.25pm from 12plus all the way to 9plus. 9hrs, no contact. kua zhang is that luomin had to call mof number to contact me. so whut right? -.- then customer came into mof frantic at her phone server being down and stuff, and borrowed mof's phone. lol. sibei joke.

oh and there was a point in time for 2months, m1 scammed my money. i changed my plan to a student plan with additional charges etc etc and so i'll have free data usage, unlimited sms, free incoming calls. and in the end, wah seh, they never give me the unlimited sms and calls thing.. and my bill was super ex. kena scolded by my mum for no reason. -.- till we saw the bill properly again then realised m1 made mistakes. and then and then. my plan is the exact same plan as my bro's so i shld have autoroam when i go overseas.. but then recently i went to msia. wah no signal at all. LOL. how screwed is m1? rawr.

alright, enough complaining about m1. yay! 12 more days! free from mof. =D woohooo~ yeah. happy is that i no longer have to see the not so good work attitude of some ppl, and wont hear things i dont wanna hear.. but sad is that i think i will miss the ppl there. worked at mof almost 5mths, made new friends, and i learned quite a bit of things (both good and bad. more on the bad side though. =x hahaha!) well, the at least the friends i made there are more true then the ones i have (besides my sista~ luomin~ lol) ya. so.. another memory in my lousy pathetic life. haha! okay la. not that bad. another memory to keep.

well then, with this nice weather (gonna rain!) i'm gonna pack my room a little, find the back of my ear stud that dropped this morning when i dreamt that i hit my ear and woke up with my ear pain and ear stud dropped off. gahh. its like seraching for a needle in the haysack.

stayovers with bestie are the funnest thing to have! =P pity it ended up with a dead tigger. ='( RIP

2:18 PM ; smile?

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

sometimes, i feel so tired that i just want to say no to everything ask of me. but then, i'll feel guilty rejecting others, i'll feel scared that others get upset. so, i'll still do it anyway. i'm tired. i actually wish for a day i would just collapse out of fatigue. i'd wish.

and, i'm getting fat. gah. fml.

1:53 AM ; smile?

Sunday, May 15, 2011

everyone has their own problems, everyone have their own worries. everyone has different problems. everyone view their own problem differently.. it may seem as though its nothing compared to other peoples, but inside each person's heart, the pain is the same. no one knows what each other is feeling inside. no one knows how wretched each other is feeling..

since its impossible for others to understand what kind of pressure i'm facing, what kind of struggles i'm having. i'll just shut up already. no more complains, no more rants.. after all, i should face this myself.

i'm sorry if i lost my temper, said things i shouldnt have said and if i've made anyone unhappy.

12:20 AM ; smile?

Saturday, May 14, 2011

usual first impressions of ng li min rebecca:
1) guai kia
2) nerd
3) quiet
4) nice

the real ng li min rebecca:
1) alcoholic
2) noisy
3) bad tempered
4) can be very mean
5) hates studying

see the huge difference? whats your impression of ng li min rebecca?

2:05 AM ; smile?

Thursday, May 12, 2011

i wonder if anyone understands or experienced the kind of feelings i'm having now. i want to get angry, but i cant. i want to laugh, but i cant. i want to cry, but i cant. i want to just shrug everything off but its impossible. i cant i cant i cant. why is everything in my life so restrained. why cant i cut off all the strings that are tying me back?

i want to be free.

11:35 PM ; smile?

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

somehow, some how some how, i got myself out of the mess. THANK GOD.

11:30 PM ; smile?

gulped down a bottle of breezer.. head throbbing alr. gotta go faint on the bed. ciaos~

3:11 AM ; smile?

Monday, May 09, 2011

i'm a weirdo. and i huge one at that. =/

work today: 1pm lunch crowd, continuous free flow of customers.. run here and there like dont know what.. then break half hr, back to the running here and there, dropping things, tripping here and there, thank god i didnt fall flat on my face. dinner crowd again like free flow. no salmon teri, no gindara, no soba items, no beef teri, no chicken teri, no beef meatball, no strawberry mogu mogu, plus long long long waiting time for food.. customer buay song keep scolding me. messy cos alot of food items not available, kitchen also very busy, orders messed up, orders cancelled, extra orders, chef also pekchek. so in the end? customer scold me. (suay i take over cashier so customer first thing come scold me). chef also vent abit. everything also kena. sucks lo.

well, after this stupid darn idiotic busy work day, i no longer have to mood to do tuition work.. plus got this headache since i woke up this morning. damn. tmr have to start work earlier also. need to to 'spring cleaning' sia.. need to refill some stuffs, need to sort out promo menus.. after work still need go tutor my cousin. damn.

off to bed~ today's a nice day cos mum on aircon.. yay (Y) dunno how long never sleep aircon alr. the weather's super super hot. whole day at work sweat, now reach home so hot also sweat.. and yay, tmr no need go buy breakfast! lol. =P

12:58 AM ; smile?

Sunday, May 08, 2011

celebrations are meant for happy, joyous occasions where everyone is happy. but, what if, there's just one trouble maker, one who purposely spoils every single happy occasion? amidst all the smiles, there's frowns, there's sadness? can it still be a happy occasion? its not the first time. i've seen it so many times already.. i wonder, when will that someone come to his senses and realises what he is doing is hurting his parents so much?

12:11 PM ; smile?

Saturday, May 07, 2011

songs~

Please select the course you wish to accept:

	NTU - Chemistry & Biological Chemistry
	NUS - Science
	Reject all Offers of Admission

i'm tempted to select the last option. but i know i cant.

10:27 AM ; smile?

u know, at times like this, i wish i can do what dramas usually show.. take the car out for a drive to a nice place, nice night view and breeze, watching the dark dark sky until my mind clears up better.

unfortunately, i'm a noob driver, i'm not allowed to take the car out, and i have no idea where in singapore has a nice place. so, i'll just stare at my ceiling.

1:18 AM ; smile?

i shouldnt even have gotten my hopes up. i shouldnt even expect myself to be able to achieve something so highly sought after. i shouldnt have, because if i didnt, i wouldnt be so disappointed now.

NUS science and NTU chem and bio chem. which should i choose? or more likely, can i even choose?

what i'm more worried of is a different thing.. that is what i'm more afraid of.

12:26 AM ; smile?

Thursday, May 05, 2011

knowing that finally i managed to pass something after so long, i feel kinda relieved. and happy. and much better. but honestly, i was just lucky. it wasnt even something i deserved, just that i was lucky just now.

well, pay's in last night, so time to withdraw money to give to my mum.. and then time to buy some stuffs.. new bag, new shoes, new t shirts, new water bottle, etc etc.. list goes on.. sigh. alot of things ah.. bag and shoes are a must.. so the other stuffs is see how.. so i'll just see and see lo? lol.

and this is a week of goodbyes.. goodbye to my ez link card! saaad. had quite a bit of money inside so got no choice but to refund and give back the card. and goodbye to my atm card! cos i just made it into a debit card. haha.. and, goodbye to SSDC! cos i no longer have to go back there anymore (Y)

well, thats all for now.

12:38 PM ; smile?

i'm scared. i'm scared to fail again. i've failed so many times in so many different things. i' afraid to have hopes. for all i know, my hopes always come crashing down on me. i'll feel so useless.

dear god, please give me the strength to pull myself together, have more confidence and to overcome the odds..

12:01 AM ; smile?

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

bottling things up till its up full, then something happens and everything flows out as tears. after emptying, its available for refilling again. only one day has passed, and i feel as though the bottle is full again. guess i didnt manage to empty it well ytd.

for now, i'll just empty my bottle of breezer.

12:30 AM ; smile?

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

我不是生气。只是你说的让我觉得自己很没用。我忍了很对很多东西，使我自己情绪控制的不好。

我累了。

i've held back for a very long time. i dont know how much i've held back. and i dont know when will the tears stop flowing.

12:20 AM ; smile?