Images from the tournament kept flashing through my mind. The part of the video when I sprained my ankle kept replaying in my mind. Why was I so careless? All those kicks I missed. Where did all my training go? Why wasn't I using them? But then again, its over already. I ought to stop thinking.
Death. What is it like? I do really wonder. No, I'm not having suicidal thoughts. No worries. But just that, its really scary. What if one day someone close to you, someone you care for, someone who care for you, just passes away like that. Imagine the suddeness, imagine the pain. Imagine the person not even realising that he or she has passed on. Or worst still, the person already know he or she is passing on but don't know when it is going to happen. Imagine the sadness felt. Imagine. At times I really do feel afraid of such things happening. Well, fingers crossed, wood touched, pray that nothing will happen so suddenly.
Well, these two things are the top on my mind. For the others, I'll blog again when I have more things to say about them. Haha. Till then, ciaos.
10:43 PM ; smile?
Monday, March 11, 2013
So, the tournament I have been training hard for has ended. Yes, I walked away with a bronze medal, but no, I didnt win at all. It was a default bronze medal. I feel really upset with my performance. I wasn't focused enough. I was't calm enough. I wasn't thinking enough. Those caused my downfall. Not focused, I landed poorly and sprained my left ankle. Not calm, I was afraid to kick hard in fear of pain that would deplete my stamina and strength. Not thinking enough, I did kicks targetting my opponents head when I had never trained in doing that for the past months. And so, I missed all the kicks and depleted my energy even more.
Honestly speaking, I cried after the match. Probably they saw me lying on the floor with my cap over my face sleeping. Perhaps they knew, perhaps they didnt. But I was there trying to hold back my tears which were flowing out. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to look like a sore loser. I didn't want people to put their hands around me to omfort me. That, will just make me burst out in tears and those tears will take a long time to stop.
Through these months, training was hard and I dreaded them. Yet, at the same time, I looked forward to them. I knew the trainings were helping me. I knew the trainings helped me. I felt myself becoming better. I am happy, But, I didn't become good enough. I could have done better. I didn't push myself hard enough. But saying all these now, a little too late right? So my resolve now is to train harder and harder. Not for the sake of competition, not for the sake of winning. But for the sake of improving myself, for the sake of proving to myself that I, Rebecca Ng, can do better. Perhaps I will improve, perhaps I will fail. But no matter what, I will persevere on. A learning point from here. A learning journey to unfold.
But first, let my two sprained ankles recover first la. hahaha.
11:00 PM ; smile?
Friday, March 08, 2013
Everything, is my fault. Yes mine.
My fault that the printer ran out of ink and i cant print my notes so i borrowed the ipad. My fault that the app i used dun let me export the file to my computer unless i pay a few bucks for it. My fault that i had training and a whole load of shit tests that i dont have time to individually transfer what i had in the ipad to my com. My fault that im so tired so i was too lazy to explain everything so i replied with only two words: see how. My fault that these two words caused u to tulan because i used once and u cannot sync the ipad for a few days. My fault. Everything is my fault. I caused u to cannot add ur favourite anime into the ipad to watch. My fault because i needed the ipad for my studies so that u cannot use it for ur entertainment. My fault for getting angry because u act as though the ipad belong fully to u. Yes my fault. Now my fault that because of this incident u are quarreling with our eldest bro.
You know what? If that isnt enough, heres more. My fault for asking u to drive me to buy things and then u can shun bian pick ur gf but it made u all quarrel instead. My fault that i had to go to a friend's house when the trains and buses no longer servicing so i got angry when u took one hour to drive to hougang to send ur gf home, mot even counting the time u take to come back.
Want more? My fault that i was born out as an accident causing mum to take care of me and dad to take eldest bro to the octopus ride and left u alone sad at a pasar malam when we were younger. My fault that im the youngest daughter so i get one room to myself and u and bro got to share. My fault.
If so, im bettet off not living. U know, how the fuck i wish i dont exist on this world at all. Why live when i am always the extra one? Why live when im always the wrong one? Why live when im not allowed to theow some temper when im seriously pissed off? Why? Tell me. Why. Why let me be in this world? Why do i have to face all of this. Why. Given a choice, i choose to not have existed at all.
Suppressing my emotions is hard enough. So many things. So so many things are weighing me down.
12:32 AM ; smile?
Friday, March 01, 2013
procrastinations. sigh. i need to start studying for my mid terms. the recess week just passed too quickly. being sick for 3 days, spent another 2 days finishing assignments and watching webcasts, and now, 2 days left to study for 3-4 tests. god bless me.
