force a smile?

Friday, May 31, 2013

at this late hour, thoughts seem to just flow in. the chilly wind blowing through my window, the few cars zooming past the road outside the living room windows. the quietness and stillness of the night. oh peace.

As mentioned in the previous post, I was sort of rejected by HKU for my exchange program. It really did threw me into a state of panic. I prepared so much for it, I did so much for it, yet... Life just fucks you up sometimes huh? But luckily, I was offered another application opportunity to another uni in HK. Well well, hope it gets through.

Actually looking back at the past year, I really changed. Well, more to say, changed back to my old ways. The usual mean, black faced Rebecca. How to say? I always knew that my temper wasn't good. I knew that nobody liked me or even got scared of me because I went around with a black face. But honestly, honestly, my face is naturally black in a way that even if i don't show expression, i look pissed. So, forgive me, if i unintentionally black faced you. And if i intentionally black faced you, SORRY. Really sorry. Probably the reason why I did the black face was over trivial petty matters, or probably you just got on my nerves nearing my period. Yes, I get very very moody one week before my period and it stops only when its completely over. And once again, if you found this um, too much info, my apologies. But anyways. not much people reads this. And so, for this month of May. the few people who I got mad at and ask them to go away and said that I dont want to talk to you, I am sorry. Really sorry. I am not good with words, I am bad with controlling my temper and I dont express myself well. Basically, Im a retard at controlling anger.

I used to be able to control minor things. Wel, only for a short period of time.. Say, when I was in JC? I went to JC thinking: ok rebecca, you know what happened in secondary school. you cannot get angry with people over little things and show your black face everywhere. no one is going to like you. So i controlled. And my way is to show my expressionless face. Most of the time, being tired of holding them in. And that, unfortunately scares everyone off because.. I look to fierce. Oh my god. and i didnt know that until i was already in uni. alright, so perhaps things weren't that good.

Uni. Well, before entering, i faced quite a huge emotional set back. please don't ask me about it. or if you know about please keep it to urself. yeah and so i went to school looking like some beaten up rag for 1-2months? One of my friends said she didnt like me at that time because i looked to unfriendly. haha. but with whatever that was occuring then, it wasnt easy to handle. but then, things changed and i got out of it. i made new friends, and had a clique of four (me inclusive). I guess they say, people only show their true sef only when they become closer to you. i have seen and experienced the habits of my closer friends in uni. and i can say... they are not very pleasing.. and it is not only sometimes. no offence or whatsoever. i probably have my habits that irks them too. probably it is my repeated complains about the same thing. i really gotta watch my own mouth. haha. okay. back to the habits. I tried accepting them.. but for a year plus.. with other burdens, i sort of couldnt hold it in anymore. it is really tough and i cant hekp but to just explode again and again. i had enough. enough of hearing laments when im in a much worse situation. enough of being shot in the foot again and again. enough of trying to appear unharmed from everything. enough of myself not being to handle it all anymore. perhaps sometimes i may not understand things. perhaps sometimes i may seem insensitive to things. perhaps sometimes i may seem like im putting unnecessary stress on my self. perhaps perhaps perhaps (no, not the jewellery ad). i do feel sometimes that i am finding excuses to cover up my own ignorance. but i dont know what's what anymore..

happiness. it is something everyone can attain. it can be easy. it can be hard. it depends. depends on what you think happiness is. depends on what can make you happy. even if it is just for a short moment. a very small incident. a very small gesture. happiness can exist.

happiness is spoilt by rage, by sadness, by fear, by many other things. the extent of the spoilage can be controlled. by how you take things, how much you accept, how much you reject, and how much you can hold in. its okay to hold in sometimes, but there must be a way to release slowly an at the same time, not hurting anyone. there has to be one. even if it means you may hurt your ownself a little.

stay strong everybody. stay strong, me.

3:37 AM ; smile?

Monday, May 27, 2013

When my mood seemed to get better...

1. NUS emailed me and say HKU had a limited no of space so unfortunately I wasn't selected for the exchange programme.
2. My mum talked so much. Repeating the same things over and over again.
3. I already had a fucking headache from lab and she comes and nag nag nag.
4. My bro asked me to go kao pei and be the bad person. HELLO. im a uni kid who still wants a face. plus as moe award holder, i need to watch my behaviour.
5. Im completely at the lost on what to do.
6. FUCK MY LIFE.

All the time, effort, research, money, anger, unhappiness that I put in for the exchange programme just poofed to be useless. HEY, not funny okay. Seeing how cock up the unis can be, I really really really wanna just drop out of uni now. BUT, the freaking huge sum of money i have to compensate is no joke, so i better SUCK up my ass and complete my remaining 2 years of being un NUS.

11:36 PM ; smile?

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Parallel universe. I don't really know what exactly defines it, but heard that it is probably a place identical to where we are in now, just that the scenarios that occur probably have different outcomes due to different decisions made. For example, given a choice A and B, in our world, we may have chosen A. However in the parallel universe, B was chosen, and hence different outcomes result.

So I actually do wonder, if the parallel do really exist, perhaps, perhaps I will be living under another identity. I will not be Rebecca Ng, but some other child of another pair of parents. Why? Hm, long story cut short, I could have been aborted even before I was born. So if I wasn't given birth to the parallel world by my birth parents, I would probably have to join the long queue of reincarnation (chinese myths), and come out again years and years later. So if I were in a different family, if I were of a different age, I wouldn't know everyone that I know of know. Who knows, I may even be the classmate of my younger cousins.

Haha. Sounds pretty confusing and ridiculous eh? Honestly, I have no idea what I am talking about. But I do sometimes imagine, will there be any difference to the people around me if I never existed? Let's just say, there are times (many of them), we will (or maybe not if you thinkn your life is wonderful) feel as though everything is worthless. Everything just doesn't fit in, or everybody just make you feel so insignificant. Like it doesn't matter at all if you just slowly back off and disappear. And, yes it did happen before where I just slowed my pace and that's it, forgotten. So if I really didn't exist at all, everything would be pretty normal? Everyone living their lives, I don't do much impact on other people's lives too. Because everyone's too busy and caught up with their own stuffs to even give a damn.

Sometimes, I gaze out into space, leaning on the rails, looiking up, looking far, then looking down. If I splattered and leave this world, wouldn't it be just great? (and no, i won't do that. if i splattered and don't die instead, how much god dan trouble will i bring to the people around me? i don't want to be a burden.)

11:55 PM ; smile?

Friday, May 17, 2013

by this time, realising or knowing anything is too late.

11:49 PM ; smile?

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

I want to..

1. Scream to the open sea as loudly as possible
2. Be free of some stress
3. Drink like there's no tomorrow
4. Play like there's no tomorrow
5. Sleep like I am a dead person
6. Eat all the good food without growing fat
7. Lose all my fats
8. Do what I like
9. Do what I want
10. Do what is good for me, not what is good for others
11. Listen to my own troubles
12. Solve my own troubles
13. Sing like there's no tomorrow
14. Tell people who piss my off to stfu right in their face
15. Shop and spend like I have all the money in the world
16. Fly to a far away place alone
17. Cry my eyes out
18. Fall in love

and if all above fails (like now),

i want to..... just die. doesn't have to be peaefully. just free me from this world i hate so much.

11:48 AM ; smile?

Friday, May 10, 2013

These few days, if i dont reply anyone or contact anyone, just leave me alone.

1:55 PM ; smile?

Sunday, May 05, 2013

I don't know. I don't know who I am. I don't how I should respond to things. I don't know how to cope with my stress. I don't know how to manage my anger. I don't know how to relief my unhappiness. I dont know. I don't know. I don't know.

Yes, I may seem like I have my ways of relieving my own problems. Yes, I may seem like by just working out in tkd, kicking here and there, jumping, running and everything will cause me to just become one happy kid. No. No. No. That is not the case. That is not. It is not. So you may ask, really meh? I say, really. 100% no kidding.

Everybody is different. We worry about different things, we stress about different things. If we say what our stress is, you may ask, what? Got what to stress about? I'm worse lor. I know, because I'm like that sometimes too. But thinking over, different people have different thoughts, different people handle their emotions differently. Perhaps someone's lament is just whines and whines and whines to you. But to them it may be something that is pricking their heart bit my bit, and eventually, it just hurts so much. That is of course not applicable to just pure whines. Trust me, I can differentiate.

I don't know if it seems the case to my friends, but I have mostly just gave up talking about what's bothering me deep down inside. No, not those complains about friends that I frequently do. But what is truly making me feel like a worthless piece of shit. I don't even know how to start. Friends, basking in their sweet happiness, whining non-stop, or going through hardships. I don't know what's right to say, what's not right to say. So, I will just prefer to not say. No, I'm not jealous about friend's happiness. Happiness have to be attained by one's self. Happiness don't come by just like that. There will be a right time and the right people around. It's just not my time, not yet.

I will just like to say, friends, we are all becoming adults. We are no longer the kids who had no worries, who could do whatever we want, who could say whatever we want. We are in the stage of life where everything is sensitive. Everything isn't just your problem, you are sufferring, you want people to help you. It is I have a problem, you have a problem, everyone has their problems. Yo, go easy on others around you. Yo, yo, take a chill pill and think over things yourself slowly. Having your ownself solve your own problems is the biggest achievement you will get AND the best outcome that you want.

Let us all grow up.

12:53 PM ; smile?

Wednesday, May 01, 2013

其实，我现在的压力很大。我不说是因为每个人都有自己的心事，不想去烦他们。因为比起来，自己的问题不会比别人的严重。这心理问题，得自己承担。

走进房里，听到这首歌-歌词刚好就在：四个字，坚持到底。我们都坚持到底吧。加油。

10:26 PM ; smile?