everyone has been telling me the same thing. its better if i open up more to others and not be so quiet. good friends, normal friends, even friends who arent close at all.. they all say the same thing.
but in fact, i'm too afraid to open up. opening up to others would mean i will speak freely whatever that comes to my mind first. i would just be my siao self. this sounds okay to most people.. like its okay to be just myself.. but then, i'm scared. i'm afraid that i will say wrong things, i'm afraid i would accidentally offend someone.. i'm just too afraid. i'm afraid of how i may offend people causing them to be unhappy and like bu shuang with me.. and by that time, no matter how guilty i feel, it would be too late to take back my words.. and i'll just go by each day thinking if the person is still unhappy. and each day, there will be fear, sadness and alot of emo-ness going on in my mind. and no matter how much i apologise, it doesnt seem enough to me. i still feel guilty and upset with myself. and i hate it alot.
isnt it funny how much can the moods of others can affect me? i'm just too too weird..
feeling like a piece of fat shit now.. received email from ntu saying i didnt get the scholarship. plus, i think i upsetted someone just now. emotions? guilty towards that someone, sad abt the scholarship, pissed off at myself and sick and tired of my stupid character.
