i have changed. alot. its something good, but can be bad too. so, just thinking abt it over and over and over.
i feel tired. i dont know why. lack of sleep? not really. sleeping too late? doubt so. after all i've gotten used to it already. so why oh why am i so tired?
and this came to mind:
throughout these 18 years plus of living, have i ever been happy for just a short while?
i rmb the times when i was younger, i was always the odd one out. how to say? i have to elder brothers who always left me out when they play. i have cousins who have sisters who are closer to each other and to the other cousins but not to me. everytime limin is alone. everytime limin joins the fun only when some adult notices and tries to get others to play with me.
then there's primary school. p1-p3 was in mayflower. i got bullied in school, i got made fun of, i only had few gd friends who helped me. then p4-p6 i changed to aitong. i got bullied even worse. name calling, kicking me out of project group so suddenly. thank god i got saved by others. and thats how i met my best friend luomin in pri 4. then it was just the usual hellish days where i got bullied everyday. crying became a daily routine for me.
then moving on to secondary school. me and luomin went to diff schools cos my mum wanted me to go somewhere nearer. which was just a 5min walk away. so luomin to amkss and me to phs. sec 1. the usual bullying, name calling. somehow i still cant get used to it and just cried. then there was this female classmate who always beats me. example: yo! *bam on my back* ouch? another example: one classmate says: A! rebecca 'bully' me! *bam* nice. then sec 2 i joined tkd. wow. A didnt dare whack me anymore. instead, after awhile she joined tkd too. whoo. but still, no more whacking from her. haha. but then after so many years of bullying, i got sick and tired. and thats when i developed a bad temper. could tell that not much ppl liked my temper. so once again.. lived through sec sch with bullying and stuff. i could go to school for one week and not talk at all. trust me. it did happen.
jc. i changed my short temperedness, i became friendlier, i started giving in to ppl. i just controlled my temper just didnt want myself to be shunned by ppl like what happened in sec sch. but then, ppl took things for granted. actually, its only someone. but then again, so many things happened and so once again i changed. i didnt talk much, i didnt show much expression, i just kept quiet. even my teacher said that suddenly i just lost confidence in myself. failing tests, failing as a friend, failing as a sister, failing as a daughter. all these failures took me down one by one. changing of clique from 3 guys 2 girls to just 4 girls. totally new clique. we had our share of fun till things took for a turn and i'm left stuck in the middle of two split roads. one way to a place where i seem invisible, the other to a place where i dont fit in. and then, theres a reverse way which is too late to do so. then i stayed stuck there, not knowing what to do. then ppl tell me: rebecca, u every poor thing eh. rebecca, u so pitiful eh. rebecca, hen ke lian eh. then they asked me to join them. i appeared happy. i cheered up. but u know how i felt inside? i'm just someone who is pitied. not a friend. i put on a fake smile, i tried blending in to a clique that dont know me well and i dont know them well. they talk among themsleves, i dunno how to join their conversation. and so i became termed as antisocial. how nice is this?
so now i wonder. out of so many friends i made, who are really my friends? people turn to me only when they can find no one else. all i know that one true friend i have is luomin.
what is happiness, i know i said i given up finding happiness, but still, deep inside, i want to be happy. even if its not now, maybe perhaps in the future?
rebecca doesnt want to be pitied. rebecca doesnt want to be a spare tyre.
rebecca wants people to be happy. at least rebecca can entertain ppl by becoming: a joke to them.
