at this late hour, thoughts seem to just flow in. the chilly wind blowing through my window, the few cars zooming past the road outside the living room windows. the quietness and stillness of the night. oh peace.
As mentioned in the previous post, I was sort of rejected by HKU for my exchange program. It really did threw me into a state of panic. I prepared so much for it, I did so much for it, yet... Life just fucks you up sometimes huh? But luckily, I was offered another application opportunity to another uni in HK. Well well, hope it gets through.
Actually looking back at the past year, I really changed. Well, more to say, changed back to my old ways. The usual mean, black faced Rebecca. How to say? I always knew that my temper wasn't good. I knew that nobody liked me or even got scared of me because I went around with a black face. But honestly, honestly, my face is naturally black in a way that even if i don't show expression, i look pissed. So, forgive me, if i unintentionally black faced you. And if i intentionally black faced you, SORRY. Really sorry. Probably the reason why I did the black face was over trivial petty matters, or probably you just got on my nerves nearing my period. Yes, I get very very moody one week before my period and it stops only when its completely over. And once again, if you found this um, too much info, my apologies. But anyways. not much people reads this. And so, for this month of May. the few people who I got mad at and ask them to go away and said that I dont want to talk to you, I am sorry. Really sorry. I am not good with words, I am bad with controlling my temper and I dont express myself well. Basically, Im a retard at controlling anger.
I used to be able to control minor things. Wel, only for a short period of time.. Say, when I was in JC? I went to JC thinking: ok rebecca, you know what happened in secondary school. you cannot get angry with people over little things and show your black face everywhere. no one is going to like you. So i controlled. And my way is to show my expressionless face. Most of the time, being tired of holding them in. And that, unfortunately scares everyone off because.. I look to fierce. Oh my god. and i didnt know that until i was already in uni. alright, so perhaps things weren't that good.
Uni. Well, before entering, i faced quite a huge emotional set back. please don't ask me about it. or if you know about please keep it to urself. yeah and so i went to school looking like some beaten up rag for 1-2months? One of my friends said she didnt like me at that time because i looked to unfriendly. haha. but with whatever that was occuring then, it wasnt easy to handle. but then, things changed and i got out of it. i made new friends, and had a clique of four (me inclusive). I guess they say, people only show their true sef only when they become closer to you. i have seen and experienced the habits of my closer friends in uni. and i can say... they are not very pleasing.. and it is not only sometimes. no offence or whatsoever. i probably have my habits that irks them too. probably it is my repeated complains about the same thing. i really gotta watch my own mouth. haha. okay. back to the habits. I tried accepting them.. but for a year plus.. with other burdens, i sort of couldnt hold it in anymore. it is really tough and i cant hekp but to just explode again and again. i had enough. enough of hearing laments when im in a much worse situation. enough of being shot in the foot again and again. enough of trying to appear unharmed from everything. enough of myself not being to handle it all anymore. perhaps sometimes i may not understand things. perhaps sometimes i may seem insensitive to things. perhaps sometimes i may seem like im putting unnecessary stress on my self. perhaps perhaps perhaps (no, not the jewellery ad). i do feel sometimes that i am finding excuses to cover up my own ignorance. but i dont know what's what anymore..
happiness. it is something everyone can attain. it can be easy. it can be hard. it depends. depends on what you think happiness is. depends on what can make you happy. even if it is just for a short moment. a very small incident. a very small gesture. happiness can exist.
happiness is spoilt by rage, by sadness, by fear, by many other things. the extent of the spoilage can be controlled. by how you take things, how much you accept, how much you reject, and how much you can hold in. its okay to hold in sometimes, but there must be a way to release slowly an at the same time, not hurting anyone. there has to be one. even if it means you may hurt your ownself a little.
